This year, the medical field hasn’t been the most optimistic, but if there’s anything that brightens a mood, it’s corny jokes. As well as being experts in medicine, doctors are also experts in comfort, which means they always have the best jokes. When you’re sick, it can be hard to stay positive in the hospital. It’s never fun to deal with doctors, but these doctor jokes are great.
Nervousness is totally normal and understandable before a doctor’s appointment. Here are some silly doctor jokes to help relieve pre-appointment jitters. There is no better medicine than laughter. At a time when the world is honoring nurses, doctors, and other healthcare professionals during the COVID-19 pandemic, they may also need levity. Here are the best jokes we could find about doctors to help you out. There are a lot of goofy ones here. Quite a few are downright corny. But — dare we say it? While you’re waiting for a medical professional, they’re sure to tickle your funny bone.
Top 100+ Doctor Jokes
Doctor Jokes One Liner
- Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
For the purpose of drawing blood if necessary. - When the sick lion was being treated by the doctor, what did he say?
“You need a pride of antibiotics.” - What’s a doctor’s favorite kind of music?
Operatory. - Why did the doctor always carry a red phone?
It was a direct line to his patient’s blood pressure. - How do doctors party? They have a prescription for fun.
- What do you call a doctor who only accepts payment in vegetables?
A zucchini-biologist. - Why did the doctor always carry a watch with a second hand?
So he could time his patients’ pulses. - When a doctor only treats pregnant women, what do you call him or her?
A fetus-can. - Why did the doctor bring a magnet to work?
To attract patients. - What did the doctor say when he walked into the bar?
“I’ll have an antihistamine on the rocks.” - Is there a reason why the doctor refused to operate on a grape?
It didn’t have the stomach for it. - What did the doctor say to the golfer who complained about a bad back?
“It sounds like a swing and a miss.” - What’s a doctor’s favorite color?
Depends on the patient’s symptoms. - Why did the doctor prescribe glasses to the computer?
It had a virus. - What do you call a doctor who only works with snakes?
A herpetologist.
Short Doctor Jokes
- Why did the doctor write a prescription for the letter “i”?
It was feeling a bit sick. - When a doctor only treats clowns, what do you call him?
A chucklehead specialist. - Why did the doctor go to the gym?
To work on his bedside manner. - What did the doctor say when the patient asked if he could eat junk food? “The cravings are yours, not mine.”
- Why did the doctor wear a wig?
To get ahead in his profession. - When a doctor only treats feet, what do you call him?
A sole practitioner. - Why did the doctor always have a tissue in his pocket?
To blow his patients’ minds. - What did the doctor say to the patient with a broken leg?
“I’ll have to prescribe patience.” - What do you call a doctor who only works with robots?
A mechanotherapist. - Why did the doctor go to a comedy club?
He needed a laugh to keep his spleen in good humor.
Best Doctor Jokes
- What did the doctor say to the patient who had a fear of stairs?
“The process appears to be a step-by-step one for us.” - What do you call a doctor who treats only celebrities?
Stardom. - Why did the doctor ask the patient to stand up straight?
To get a better look at the crooked spine. - What did the doctor say to the patient who was having trouble with his joints? “It looks like we need to grease the wheels.”
- When a doctor only treats eyes, what do you call him?
A cornealopia. - Why did the doctor refuse to treat the sick horse?
It was a little hoarse. - What did the doctor say to the patient who refused to take medication?
“Looks like it’s time for a pill talk.” - If a doctor treats only superheroes, what would you call him?
A Cape Ecologist. - Why did the doctor keep a stethoscope in his car?
In case he had to take a pulse on the go. - What did the doctor say to the patient who was nervous about the surgery? “Don’t worry, it’s just a small incision.”
Doctor Jokes for Adults Dirty
Is it likely that I will be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.” “Great! I never could before!”
Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Colin who? Colin the doctor… I’m sick!
It’s only two minutes apart between my wife’s contractions! ”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
The Dalmatian went to the eye doctor for what reason?
He kept seeing spots.
A patient tells a doctor, “I swallowed a pillow.”.
Doctor: “How do you feel?” The patient replies, “A little down in the mouth.”
I will be able to walk again in two weeks, according to the doctor.”
Wife: “And did he?” The husband replies, “I sold my car to cover the bill.”
When the rocket ship was approached by the doctor, what did he say?
“Time to get your booster shot!”
A tonsil spoke to another tonsil. What did it say?
We’re going to the doctor, so get dressed! ”
It seems that there are always spots in front of my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?” Patient: “Yes, now I have a clearer view of the spots.”
Having swallowed 10 quarters last night, the nurse asks, “How is that little girl doing? ”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
The patient says, “Doctor, I get heartburn after eating birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Man Goes to Doctor Jokes
Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
It had spring fever.
In the middle of surgery, what do you not want to hear?
“Where’s my watch?”
He lost the left side of his body, didn’t he?
He’s all right now!
Doctor: “You are very sick.”
Patient: “Can I get a second opinion?” Doctor: “Yes, of course! You are very ugly too.”
When you need a doctor immediately, who do you call?
The nearest golf course.
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”
Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.
To screw in a lightbulb, how many doctors are needed?
A bulb specialist, an installation specialist, and a Medicare billing specialist are needed.
Patient: “My house was graffitied last night! ”
Doctor Flirty Jokes
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?” Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?”
In a staff meeting, a doctor carries a rectal thermometer behind his ear. When he looks behind his ear, a nurse asks, “Why are you wearing that thermometer?”?
When the doctor looked at the thermometer, he exclaimed, “Wow, somebody stole my pen! ”
Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.
Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound.
Then answer the phone.
Son of a doctor: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, please give me some tips on how to succeed.”
A doctor’s father taught him to write prescriptions legibly and bills illegibly.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
He should be told I am unable to see him at the moment.”
Patient: “Doctor, I seem to have lost my memory! ”
Doctor: “When did that happen?” Patient: “When did what happen?”
Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
He had a pail face.
Hilarious Doctor Jokes
The patient says, “Doctor, please let me know what I can do to return the kindness you have shown me.”
The doctor says you can pay cash, check, or money order.
When a doctor fixes a website, what do you call him?
A URL-biologist.
Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop the coffin!
Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
To the dock!
Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
My doctor told me I broke my arm twice.
Those places should not be visited, she told me.
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”
My life will end in 59 seconds, doctor!”
Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”
A skeleton went to the doctor.
Seeing the skeleton, the doctor asked, “Aren’t you a little late? ”
What did the balloon say to the doctor?
“I feel light-headed.”
A golf ball was swallowed by me this morning, and I went to the doctor.
According to the doctor, the ball went down a fairway.
What was the purpose of the red pen taken to work by the doctor?
In case, she wanted to draw blood!
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
He had low elf esteem.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
The patient said, “Doctor, a strawberry got stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
Doctor Jokes for Adults
- Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
In case they needed to draw blood. - A patient tells his doctor:
“Every time I drink coffee, I get this intense pain in my eye.” The doctor replies, “Try taking out the spoon first.” - “Doctor, I think I’m a moth,” he tells his doctor.
” The doctor replies, “You need a psychiatrist, not a medical doctor.” The man says, “I know, but your light was on.” - Why did the doctor carry a calculator?
To do his surgical counts. - Two doctors stand in a hospital hallway discussing a patient’s chart. Isn’t it interesting that all of his symptoms begin with the letter ‘F’?”?”
The other doctor looks at the chart and replies, “Fascinating.” - A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I think I’m a dog.” The doctor says, “How long have you been feeling this way?”The man replies, “Ever since I was a puppy.”
- How do you refer to a doctor who fixes cars?
A grease monkey. - “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” says a man.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” replies the doctor. - What do you call a doctor who repairs antique watches?
A tick-tock-biologist.
Knock Knock Doctor Jokes
- Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Doctor. Doctor who? That’s right! - Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the stethoscope, you take the temperature. - Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Olive. Olive who? Olive to tell the doctor my symptoms. - Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Annie. Annie who?
Annie thing you can do to make me feel better, Doc? - Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Iva. Iva who? I have a sore throat and I need to see the doctor.
